Dear Friends,
Recently, I got a very fortunate opportunity to read a book – Spouse – The Truth about Marriage by Shobha De.
What follows is not an analysis but a ‘personalized review’ of this book, because it’s for every one and will be perceived differently by every one. This book is for the married and the single who are ready but not steady enough to mingle. For the happily married and those who are the verge of breaking. For the ones who claim to have known the secrets of happy married life and for those who want to explore this domain.
This book is not at all a ‘goody goody stuff’ about marriage rather, it delineates the real picture. It helps prepare you for every thing that’s going to come your way as its impossible not to fight, yell and feel like hitting a person you love at least once in a span of ten years!! The author states, “There is no such thing as a ‘perfect marriage’ or a ‘perfect spouse’. Come on, get real! Marriage is a flawed institution ….”
Most of us go through a phase of transition in our mid and late twenties; a search for the real reason to get married. More so, those who are convinced that, marriage is a pious institution and very strongly believe in it; as I do, are in a tumult as to will their marriage be a perfect one? Many of us try and sort out our preconceived notions regarding adaptations, adjustments, priorities, perspectives and absence of love after marriage, beforehand. So, is it necessary/mandatory to submerge ones personality in a relationship?
Does marriage demand it? The author finds the answer to be ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. Marriage alters perspectives and priorities- it has to. If you resist and rebel, there’s something not quite ok with the equation to start with. If you surrender and swim with your head above the water, confident that your partner won’t allow you to drown, then the chance of working through your difficulties and doubts are that much higher.
“….Selfish. It’s such an awful word. I tossed it around inside my head. Selfish. Self-focused. Self-centered. Self-obsessed. Self-absorbed. Self. Self. Self. That was it – The elusive word I’d been looking for. It became the key to writing this book. For it is this four letter word – Self – which eventually determines the quality of what I consider the single most difficult, challenging, exhilarating relationship in the world….” Shobhaa has very aptly picked up the real culprit that’s keeping the young running away from marriage and commitment. Yes, that C- word so dreaded by the present generation too counts. The way the marriage cookie crumbles depends entirely on your attitude to that one word. “….Don’t let it scare you. After all without realizing you are already committed to many things….your job, parents, friends. So accept one more Big- C when you accept marriage. Because without it there is nothing but Shoonya.”
This book revolves around the mantra, “Marriage is what you make of it.” As the author puts it, “How marriages work and why they fail is essentially about love or the absence of it…..a marriage works if you want it to. Conversely, a marriage fails much for the same reason. Which person doesn’t despair ten times in two decades? What has kept us going in that case? Is it just the kids? Finance? Convenience? Or something much more vital? I can only speak for myself and can say with my hand on my heart that the reason I remain married to him is very simple – I want to be his wife. I enjoy being married to him, even when he exasperates me and I want to hit him over the head with a hefty object!”
So, who is ready to bank on the fact that their marriage will be a success? I guess none. For we all know that it’s a delicate relationship which requires to be fed and nurtured like a sapling especially in its formative years. The journey doesn’t end there. In words of Shobhaa: “It takes almost ten years for two people to actually get to know one another. To intercept the little tricks, idiosyncrasies, quirks and accept them. Ten more to understand what all it adds up to. Who the real person you are married actually is. And then another ten to finally accept your differences and come to terms with the hiccups that might have bothered you earlier. That’s when you start to appreciate one another. Enjoy sameness and overlook the differences. It’s a pretty long journey – thirty years.”
Am I ready for this long journey….is a question we all must ask ourselves when we embark on the path to matrimony. I personally feel there aren’t many who can wait as long as thirty years to find an answer to this one question…Was our marriage a beautiful one? More now try and adopt a much easier path, a short cut that would save them from the Big- C and say, “Is marriage something worth it?”. But trust me friends living together without the string tied isn’t the same thing after all. It does provide you with an instant escape route but imagine a life without some one to love, bear your tantrums, wipe your tears, support you in darkest of hours. Tell me without it ..... is life worth living?
Recently, I got a very fortunate opportunity to read a book – Spouse – The Truth about Marriage by Shobha De.
What follows is not an analysis but a ‘personalized review’ of this book, because it’s for every one and will be perceived differently by every one. This book is for the married and the single who are ready but not steady enough to mingle. For the happily married and those who are the verge of breaking. For the ones who claim to have known the secrets of happy married life and for those who want to explore this domain.
This book is not at all a ‘goody goody stuff’ about marriage rather, it delineates the real picture. It helps prepare you for every thing that’s going to come your way as its impossible not to fight, yell and feel like hitting a person you love at least once in a span of ten years!! The author states, “There is no such thing as a ‘perfect marriage’ or a ‘perfect spouse’. Come on, get real! Marriage is a flawed institution ….”
Most of us go through a phase of transition in our mid and late twenties; a search for the real reason to get married. More so, those who are convinced that, marriage is a pious institution and very strongly believe in it; as I do, are in a tumult as to will their marriage be a perfect one? Many of us try and sort out our preconceived notions regarding adaptations, adjustments, priorities, perspectives and absence of love after marriage, beforehand. So, is it necessary/mandatory to submerge ones personality in a relationship?
Does marriage demand it? The author finds the answer to be ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. Marriage alters perspectives and priorities- it has to. If you resist and rebel, there’s something not quite ok with the equation to start with. If you surrender and swim with your head above the water, confident that your partner won’t allow you to drown, then the chance of working through your difficulties and doubts are that much higher.
“….Selfish. It’s such an awful word. I tossed it around inside my head. Selfish. Self-focused. Self-centered. Self-obsessed. Self-absorbed. Self. Self. Self. That was it – The elusive word I’d been looking for. It became the key to writing this book. For it is this four letter word – Self – which eventually determines the quality of what I consider the single most difficult, challenging, exhilarating relationship in the world….” Shobhaa has very aptly picked up the real culprit that’s keeping the young running away from marriage and commitment. Yes, that C- word so dreaded by the present generation too counts. The way the marriage cookie crumbles depends entirely on your attitude to that one word. “….Don’t let it scare you. After all without realizing you are already committed to many things….your job, parents, friends. So accept one more Big- C when you accept marriage. Because without it there is nothing but Shoonya.”
This book revolves around the mantra, “Marriage is what you make of it.” As the author puts it, “How marriages work and why they fail is essentially about love or the absence of it…..a marriage works if you want it to. Conversely, a marriage fails much for the same reason. Which person doesn’t despair ten times in two decades? What has kept us going in that case? Is it just the kids? Finance? Convenience? Or something much more vital? I can only speak for myself and can say with my hand on my heart that the reason I remain married to him is very simple – I want to be his wife. I enjoy being married to him, even when he exasperates me and I want to hit him over the head with a hefty object!”
So, who is ready to bank on the fact that their marriage will be a success? I guess none. For we all know that it’s a delicate relationship which requires to be fed and nurtured like a sapling especially in its formative years. The journey doesn’t end there. In words of Shobhaa: “It takes almost ten years for two people to actually get to know one another. To intercept the little tricks, idiosyncrasies, quirks and accept them. Ten more to understand what all it adds up to. Who the real person you are married actually is. And then another ten to finally accept your differences and come to terms with the hiccups that might have bothered you earlier. That’s when you start to appreciate one another. Enjoy sameness and overlook the differences. It’s a pretty long journey – thirty years.”
Am I ready for this long journey….is a question we all must ask ourselves when we embark on the path to matrimony. I personally feel there aren’t many who can wait as long as thirty years to find an answer to this one question…Was our marriage a beautiful one? More now try and adopt a much easier path, a short cut that would save them from the Big- C and say, “Is marriage something worth it?”. But trust me friends living together without the string tied isn’t the same thing after all. It does provide you with an instant escape route but imagine a life without some one to love, bear your tantrums, wipe your tears, support you in darkest of hours. Tell me without it ..... is life worth living?
1 comment:
well an interesting review of a book by an author who as per my knowledge has had more than one spouses..
i believe it took her real good time and resources (read husbands) to understand an institutiion like marriage. well if it takes 10 years to know a person and 30 to accept him/her, i guess many would rather not plunge into marriage but move on! but did someone say that it takes a life time to know a person inside out!! and maybe that too is not enough.. how many people actually know themselves inside out!!?
and if you dont know yourself that well... its gonna be a real long haul knowing your better half......
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